Jan. Jokes of the Month.

[Poke John I]

Oh well sombody had to start it so here goes - - -

Breanna, a blonde Texas Aggie, decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but Breanna begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when...Stan the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

[Poke John I]

The Old West.


An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a
western town one day -- He'd been out in the desert for
about six months without a drop of whiskey.


He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied
his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing
some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young
gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand
and a bottle of whiskey in the other.


The young gun slinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,
"Hey old man, have you ever danced?"


The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No,
I never did dance. I just never wanted to."


A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said,
"Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and
started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was
hopping a round and everybody was laughing.


When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his
gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old
prospector had counted all six shots from the single revolver.


The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and
pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The
gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd
watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both
barrels of the shotgun.


The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the butt?"


The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."






The lessons from this story are:


1. Don't waste ammunition.


2. Dont mess with old guys.

[Poke John I]

This one is a little racist. So, if you're sensitive to racist jokes and can't take a little joke about yourself, PLEASE DO NOT read this!


THE DAY IT ALL STARTED

This is for all you history buffs. Actually documented.
It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo.


He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of this
fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.

These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said,
"Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

[Poke John I]

To impress his date, the young man took his very beautiful date to a very chick Italian restaurant. After sipping a before dinner drink, he picked up the menu to order the wine and said, "We'll have a bottle of the Giuseppe Spomdalucci." "Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That"s the owner."

[MemphisPoke]

The pastor asked if any one in the congregation would like to
express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the
podium.
She said, 'I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a
terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could
help him.'

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as
they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every
move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a
delicate operation . They were able to piece together the crushed
remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in
place.'

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they
imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's
say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'

All with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one
else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to
tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM.'

[OSUSTORM]

Do you know how to make sooner cookies?

Ya put 'em in a great big bowl and ya beat the hell out of 'em.

[GoPokes82sMom]

Hello,
If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!

This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue, just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool, so what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well, until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds, my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: Is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

:D:eek:

[jakeman]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said,"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

[Poke John I]

A young man goes into the Job Center in Dallas, Texas, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to the information desk to learn more.

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk. The Jobcentre man sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes, here it is:

The job requires that you get the lady patients ready for the Gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecological examination.

There's an annual salary of $50,000, but you're going to have to go to Texarkana, Texas. That's about 181 miles from here."

"Oh why, is that where the job is?"

"No sir - that's the end of the applicant line!"

[Poke John I]

A cannibal son and his father are out looking for food. They are watching people walk down the street. The son suggested a particularly plump woman and the father rejected saying that she's too fatty. Later on the son asked about a very skinny woman. Again the father refused saying that she’s to skinny. After a while the son pointed out a very attractive woman.” sure son" the father replied, drooling. “We’ll take her home and eat you mother!"

[Poke John I]

Brenda and Steve took their nine-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. Over time that should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied . "The rest are for your father

[Poke John I]

An Irishman goes to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father, it has been one month since my last confession.

I had relations with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon after, another Irishman enters the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession.

I've had relations with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.'

This time the priest questions, 'Who is Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replies.

'Very well,' sighs the priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon,

a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous redhead woman enters the sanctuary.

The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest.

Her dress is green and very short , with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, 'No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes..............................'

[Poke John I]

T-boy Boudreaux finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life until the boat sank.

He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies.. Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, 'Where you come from? How you get here?'

'I rowed over from the other side of the island,' she says. 'I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Dat's amazing,' he says. 'You was really lucky to have a rowboat wash up wit you.'

'Oh, this?' replies the woman. 'I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But ... but .. dat's impossible,' stutters T-boy. 'You ain't had no tools or hardware. How you manage dat?'

'Oh, no problem,' replies the woman. 'On the South side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.' T-boy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a s mall wharf. As T-boy looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walk into the house, she says c asually, 'It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?'

'No, no tank you,' he says, still dazed. 'Can't take no mo of dat coconut juice.'

'It's not coconut juice,' the woman replies. 'I built a still. How about a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.'

No longer questioning anything, T-boy goes into the bathroom. There in the cabinet is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. 'WOW! dis woman is amazing,' he muses, 'what gonna be next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines' strategically positioned, and sm elling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for a really long time. I know you've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these
months. You know...'

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing!

'You mean ...', he swallows excitedly, 'We gonna watch the LSU game from here'?

[Poke John I]

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting in front of a Christian Church and they each had charity boxes in front of them to collect money. The church goers that were passing by couldn't believe the nerve of the rabbi, and purposely threw large sums of money into the priest's charity box to spite the rabbi. Finally one of the passer-by had sympathy on the rabbi, and advised him, "Go to a Synagogue and collect there, you'll have more success." The Rabbi thanked the passer-by, and then turned to the priest and said, "You here that, Yankel; he thinks he can tell us how to do business."

[Poke John I]

Sir:

I am D.J. Baker and I would appreciate it if you could tell me what it takes to be an F-16 fighter pilot in the USAF. What classes should I take in high school to help the career I want to take later in life? What could I do to get into the Air Force Academy?
Sincerely, DJ Baker

'From action addee: Van Wickler, Kenneth, LtCol, HQ AETC
Anybody in our outfit want to help this poor kid from Cyberspace? LTC Wickler

A worldly and jaded C130 pilot, (who wasn't able to become a fighter pilot) Major Hunter Mills, rose to the task of answering the young man's letter.



Dear DJ,

Obviously, through no fault of your own, your young, impressionable brain has been poisoned by the superfluous, hyped-up, "Top Gun" media portrayal of fighter pilots.

Unfortunately, this portrayal could not be further from the truth. In my experience, I've found most fighter pilots pompous, backstabbing, momma's boys with inferiority complexes, as well as being extremely over-rated aeronautically. However, rather then dash your budding dreams of becoming a USAF pilot, I offer the following alternative:


What you really want to aspire to is the exciting, challenging and rewarding world of TACTICAL AIRLIFT. And this, young DJ, means one thing..the venerable workhorse, The C-130! I can guarantee no fighter pilot can brag that he has led a 12-ship formation down a valley at 300 feet above the ground, with the navigator leading the way and trying to interpret an alternate route to the drop zone, avoiding pop-up threats, and coordinating with AWACS, all while eating a box lunch.with the engineer in the back relieving himself and the loadmaster puking in his trash can!


I tell you DJ, TAC Airlift is where it's at! Where else is it legal to throw tanks, HUMVs, and other crap out the back of an airplane, and not even worry about it when the chute doesn't open and it torpedoes the General's staff car! No where else can you land on a 3000 foot dirt strip, kick a bunch of ammo and stuff out on the ramp without stopping, then takeoff again before range control can call to tell you that you've landed on the wrong LZ! And talk about exotic travel; when C-130s go somewhere, they GO somewhere (usually for 3 months, unfortunately). This gives you the opportunity to immerse yourself in the local culture long enough to give the locals a bad taste in their mouths regarding the USAF and Americans in general, not something those C-141 Stratolift pilots can do from their airport hotel rooms!


As far as recommendations for your course of study, I offer these:

1. Take a lot of math courses. You'll need all the advanced math skills you can muster to enable you to calculate per diem rates around the world, and when trying to split up the crew's bar tab so that the co-pilot really believes he owes 85% of the whole thing and the navigator believes he owes the other 20%.


2. Health sciences are important, too. You will need a thorough knowledge of biology to make those educated guesses of how much longer you can drink beer before the tremendous case of the G.I.s catches up to you from that meal you ate at the place that had the really good belly dancers in some God-forsaken foreign country whose name you can't even pronounce.


3. Social studies are also beneficial. It is important for a good TAC Airlifter to have the cultural knowledge to be able to ascertain the exact location of the nearest topless bar in any country in the world, then be able to convince the local authorities to release the loadmaster after he offends every sensibility of the local religion and culture.


4. A foreign language is helpful but not required. You will never be able to pronounce the names of the NAVAIDs in France, and it's much easier to ignore them and to go where you want to anyway. As a rule of thumb: waiters and bellhops in France are always called "Pierre", in Spain it's "Hey, Pedro" and in Italy, of course, it's "Mario". These terms of address also serve in other countries interchangeably, depending on the level of suaveness of the addressee.

5. A study of geography is paramount. You will need to know the basic location of all the places you've been when you get back from your TDY and are ready to stick those little pins in that huge world map you've got taped to your living room wall, right next to the giant wooden giraffe statue and beer stein collection.

Well, DJ, I hope this little note inspires you. And by the way, forget about the Academy thing. All TAC Airlifters know that there are waaay..too few women and too little alcohol there to provide a well-balanced education. A nice, big state college or the Naval Academy would be a much better choice.

Hunter Mills, Major USAF

[Poke John I]

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"
"No!" the children all answered.


"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"
Again the answer was "No!"
"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"


A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

[Poke John I]

Let me tell you about my doctor. He is very good.
If you tell him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.

He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.

While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible."
The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."

Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film."
The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."

One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem." The doctor asked, "When did it
start?" The man replied, "When did what start?"

I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it."

My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him
some pills and said, "Here, take these. If they don't work, give me a ring."

Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, "Go sit over
there. I'll deal with you later."

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.

You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment, and he says,
"I wish you had come to me sooner."

[Poke John I]

These 16 were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
[these are some mighty 'quick witted' cops!


16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you
just went through.'

15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch after you wear them a while.'

14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document.'

13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 ft/second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I
can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?'

10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't
think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do
that again or I'll give you another ticket.'

8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you
go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey
poop.'

6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
toaster oven.'

5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend
of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....

1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't.........Sign here.' [ouch!]

[Poke John I]

One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car. All of a sudden, the car broke down.


The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke."


The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas."


The Electrical Engineer said, "I think it quit sparking and something is wrong with the electrical system."


All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"
The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should turn everything off, close the windows, take the key out of the ignition, all get out of the car, close the doors, wait ten seconds, and get back in."

[PokeNBeans]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Miller Lite.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a dadgum Police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
" Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said.
"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin'
These beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put Labels on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said,
"Howdy boys, ya'll been Drinkin?"
"No sir," said Earl while pointing at the Miller Lite labels... "Me and Bubba's on the Patch."

[Poke John I]

In 1946, Winston Churchill traveled to Fulton, Missouri, to deliver a speech and to be present at the dedication of a bust in his honor. After his speech, Churchill was approached by a rather attractive and well-endowed woman. "Mr. Churchill," she declared, "I traveled over a hundred miles this morning for the unveiling of your bust."

"Madam, I assure you," he enthusiastically replied, "in that regard I would gladly return the favor!"

[Poke John I]

A SPECIAL DAY

This year, both Groundhog Day and the State
of the Union Address occur on the same day.

It is an ironic juxtaposition of events: one involves
meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of
little intelligence for prognostication, while the other
involves a groundhog.

[Poke John I]

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking,
'surely I Can't Look That Old'. Well. You'll Love This One.



My Name Is Alice Smith And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First
Appointment With A New Dentist. I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His
Full Name. Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With
The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-odd Years Ago. Could
He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then?



Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.

This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To
Have Been My Classmate.

After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High
School. "yes. Yes, I Did. I'm A Mustang," He Gleamed With Pride. "when
Did You Graduate?" I Asked.



He Answered, "in 1959. Why Do You Ask?"



"you Were In My Class! I Exclaimed. He Looked At Me Closely. Then, That
Ugly, Old, Bald, Wrinkled, Fat Ass, Gray-haired, Decrepit Son-of-a-bitch
Asked, "what Did You Teach?"

[Poke John I]

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline for advice. The Psychic tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."

[MemphisPoke]

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular
diamond ring.
"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well," she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto
and we won; so
bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny
fur coat.
"Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won
again; so I
bought it with my share of t he winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a
flaming red Ferrari.
"How could you afford that car?" her husband asks.
You guessed it.... her share of the lotto winnings!

That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a
nice warm bath while
she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she
finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to
cover the plug.

"What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto
ticket wet..... do we?

[DecaturPoke]

No Sex Since 1955





A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala
event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached
the
Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but
you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering
you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady
looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen
a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady,
tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should
lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just
stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You
know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time
you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need
to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean no sex since
1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded
to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned
against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much
since 1955."

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his
serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[DecaturPoke]

The Man and the Ostrich

A man walks into
a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks
them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke,"
and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the
ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and
the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his
pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the
two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday
night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order
and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact
change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress
can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you
manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket, every
time?

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the
attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of
money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the
waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but
you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live! "That's
right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money
is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with
the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was
for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything
I say!"

[frankeaton]

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."

A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work , and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

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