Joke of the Month

[frankeaton]

Subject: Fw: gobble gobble

We wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving!!

Scott, Cherri and the girls

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

[cactusjack]

Mark Mangino was recruiting last week in Oklahoma...over by Muskogee. Well he gets lost and needs to find his way back to a certain highway, so he stops in at a convience store and asks the fella behind the couter....

I hope you can help me, I'm a little lost, do you know how I can get to 414?

The clerk looks at Mark and says, yea, try droppin about 40 pounds.

[Poke John I]

The Psychiatrist And The Proctologist



Two young doctors opened and shared an office in a small town and put up a sign reading Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - "Hysterias and Posteriors."



The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read - "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."



This was not acceptable either, so, in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to

"Catatonics and High Colonics."



No go. Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."



Thumbs down again. Then came "Minds and Behinds."



Still no good. Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Nether Holes."



Unacceptable again. So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."



No way.



"Nuts and Butts?"

"Freaks and Cheeks?"



Still no go.



"Loons and Moons?"



Forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with



Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones,

"Odds and Ends."



Everyone loved it.

[Poke John I]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:


#1, you have to be single and


#2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfill s his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

[Poke John I]

Q. What do you get if you cross a centipede with a parrot?


A. A walkie-talkie!

[Poke John I]

At the end of a very long shift, a waiter friend of mine was attending six people who were taking their time deciding what to order. One woman changed her mind three times and then asked my friend if the restaurant poached their salmon.

He took a deep breath and counted to ten. "No, ma'am," he said, "I'm pretty sure they buy it."

[Poke John I]

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you
prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."


***********************


An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the
operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it? "

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember,
if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me,
your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

[Poke John I]

Irritated by a professor of history who liked to tell off-color stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all get up and leave the room in protest. The professor got wind of their plan just before class the following day, however, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.” They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France,” he said. The girls looked at one another, arose, and started for the door. “Ladies, please,” he said with a smile. “The next plane to Paris does not leave until tomorrow afternoon.”

[Poke John I]

#####
She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"
### ##
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
#####
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin! Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left t he room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
#####
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
#####
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
#####
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
#####
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
#####
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
#####
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
#####
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool . "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
#####
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently "It means carrying a child."
#####
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs,"she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

[Poke John I]

One day, a cowboy rode into a Wild, Wild West town. The people in the town love to play jokes on visitors. After tying his horse to the pole outside a bar, the cowboy went in. "A cup of milk please." he said to the bartender. After drinking, he went out, only to find his horse missing.

Knowing that the villagers did it, he went back into the bar and said to everybody," I am going to have another drink and when I finish it, I want to see my horse outside! Or else, I will have to do what I did in Texas - HERE!" The people were very frightened. When he finished his drink, he went outside and saw his horse. The villagers had put it back. Curious, the bartender asked the cowboy,” What did you do in Texas?"


The Cowboy replied," Well, I had to walk home

[frankeaton]

_____________________________________

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge.
I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the
money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in my
favor. She became indignant and informed me she was educated
and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I
gave her the money back again ... same scenario! I departed the
store with the $46.64. This actually happened in Austin at MoPac
Boulevard and Parmer Lane.
>> They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail. <<
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already
buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free."
She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.
>> They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail. <<
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of
them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky
and said, "Where?"

>> They Walk Among Us! <<

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the
sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise
in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the
east, and has for some time, she shook her head and said, "Oh I
don't keep up with that stuff."
>> They Walk Among Us!! <<
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day
I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,
7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
>> They Walk Among Us! <<
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
>> They Walk Among Us! <<
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
>> They Walk Among Us! <<
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me,
has your plane arrived yet?"
>> They Walk Among Us! <<
While working at a pizza parlor ... I observed a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he
would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some
time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm
hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
>> Yep! They walk among us ... and they reproduce and worst of all . they vote! <<

[frankeaton]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint
Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season Begins...... :D