June Jokes of the Month.

[Poke John I]

An interview with an eighty-year-old woman.

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady
because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments,
explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

[BleedingOrange]

Skinny Dipping....

An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, and some peach, orange and banana trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee..

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping
in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you
leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

[WAHOOS14]

Bob Stoops grows to be an old man, dies and miraculously gets into heaven.

When he arrives, Jesus greets him and shows him to his new eternal home. It's a small, one bedroom condo with an old, OU flag hanging from window.

Bob smiles and thanks the Lord for his eternal accommodations. As Jesus is walking off Bob looks up the hill and sees a beautiful mansion decked out in orange and black with an orange brick walkway, black and orange stairways, an OSU flag on the flagpole and a huge orange OSU embedded in the black marble driveway.

Bob's a little ticked and says "Hey Jesus!"

Jesus turns and says "Yes Bob?"

Bob says "I don't understand it. I did whatever it took to win. I even did some things that were so bad I thought I may not get in here, but in the end I had a great win-loss record and I was one of the greatest coaches in Oklahoma history. Yet here I am spending eternity in the heavenly equivalent of a quonset hut!".

Jesus said - "Yes I'm aware of your coaching accomplishments Bob and the spiritual sacrifices you chose to make in order to attain them. Forgiveness is pretty much my thing though. :angel: What is your point?"

Bob throws down his visor and points at the house on the hill "Then why the heck does Gundy get a house that's so much better than mine!?":furious3:

Jesus looks at the house, turns back to Bob with a wry smile and a tranquil voice and says "Calm down Bob. That's not Mike's house..............It's mine.":pete:

[frankeaton]

An Old story that took place Abilene, Kansas in 1866*

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he
recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in
his day, had the
reputation of being the fastest gun
in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to
the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story
of his great
ambition. 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he
asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for
one thing,
you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a
little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young
man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped
out his 44 and shot the bow tie o ff the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips
for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your
holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you
a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the
younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood
up,
drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the
piano player

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here.
Got any
more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the
saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun
with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some
of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the
gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young
man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done
playing the piano,
he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt
as much.

[Poke John I]

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one
afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked
across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over
there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that
she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched
back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the
waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and
asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the
Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat
on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey
there, honey! How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light?"
He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over
there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold
glass of beer. "On my bill," he said.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican,
touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The
Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his
back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series
of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped
up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability."

[Poke John I]

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.


After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.


One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- a perfect night for romance. He leaned over and put his arm around the sheep.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.


After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.


A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze -- perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..


He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

[frankeaton]

2008 Darwin Awards



You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado here are the 2008 Darwin awards.


Eighth Place In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.


Seventh Place A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.


Sixth Place While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When it t collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.


Fifth Place Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.


Fourth Place Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.


Third Place After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up!, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.


HONORABLE MENTION Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.


RUNNER UP Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.


AND THE WINNER IS...Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves.. 'Sh't happens'



IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.

[snuffy]

An old man, a boy and a donkey, were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, 'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'
So they then decided they'd both walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.

So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well...







...Kiss your ass goodbye!

[legelegel]

After thinking about this for awhile, I'm not sure if this is funny or it is not.


The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'

He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.

So I proceeded to call him 'doughnut eating Gestapo.'

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus.

The car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, "Obama in '08".

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important to my health.

[Poke John I]

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.

'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an un truth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' toGeorge Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,
All Us Women

[Poke John I]

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

[Poke John I]

Q: What do you call a Virgin laying on a water bed?
A: A cherry float.

[MemphisPoke]

THE CENTIPEDE




This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a


pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy


an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede


(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.




He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.




So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's
with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited
a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,

"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a
drink with me?




A little voice came out of the box:...........




"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my #@%king shoes."

.

[frankeaton]

Subject: gunshot survivor


How's this for a gunshot survivor... Linda
Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her
in-laws, and while there, went to a nearby supermarket to
pick up some groceries.


Several people noticed her sitting in her car with
the windows rolled up, with her eyes closed, and with both
hands behind the back of her head.


One customer who had been at the store for a while
became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed
that Linda 's eyes were now open, and she looked very
strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied
that she had been shot in the back of the head, and had
been holding her brains in for over an hour.


The man immediately called the paramedics, who broke
into the car because the doors were locked and Linda
refused to remove her hands from her head.


When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a
wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury
biscuit canister she purchased in the store had exploded from the heat,
making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the
wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.


When she reached back to find out what it was, she
felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially
passed out, but quickly recovered.


Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama
supporter, but that could be irrelevant.

[Verb]

Subject: gunshot survivor


How's this for a gunshot survivor... Linda
Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her
in-laws, and while there, went to a nearby supermarket to
pick up some groceries.


Several people noticed her sitting in her car with
the windows rolled up, with her eyes closed, and with both
hands behind the back of her head.


One customer who had been at the store for a while
became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed
that Linda 's eyes were now open, and she looked very
strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied
that she had been shot in the back of the head, and had
been holding her brains in for over an hour.


The man immediately called the paramedics, who broke
into the car because the doors were locked and Linda
refused to remove her hands from her head.


When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a
wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury
biscuit canister she purchased in the store had exploded from the heat,
making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the
wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.


When she reached back to find out what it was, she
felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially
passed out, but quickly recovered.


Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama
supporter, but that could be irrelevant.

That's interesting. I heard this joke about five years ago, before anyone knew anything about Obama. :rollseyes:

[bleedorange]

That's interesting. I heard this joke about five years ago, before anyone knew anything about Obama. :rollseyes:

Verb! You can see the future!!

That's awesome. Tell us, how does McCain's presidency go? :D

[frankeaton]

Old Butch the Rooster
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had
several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,'
and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept
records, and any rooster not performing went into the
soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so
he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his
roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could
tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an
efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine
specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters
were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the
pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for
cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in
his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a
pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John
was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the
Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight
sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch
the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the
Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who
else but a politician could figure out how to win two
of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by
being the best at sneaking up on the populace and
screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always
audible.


__________________

[frankeaton]

A San Francisco man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love doing.

"Enjoying it"?, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'

[frankeaton]

A MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS



1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?

It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?

We occasionally need to adjust "junior" and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?

We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?

You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?

Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?

Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest...Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their sons. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?

Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?

We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?

Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, its actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?

It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

[frankeaton]

Never Choke in a restaurant in the South
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.



Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'