may jokes of the month early

[frankeaton]

Air America
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

**************************************************
************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

**************************************************
**************************************************

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:




"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

**************************************************
***********************************
*************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little
Fokker in sight."

**************************************************
********
******************** **********************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

**************************************************
*************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of
the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
**************************************************
*
*************************************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern...we've already notified our caterers."

**************************************************
**************************************************
*

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned
around, and taxied back past the
Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,






"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real
zinger:






"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have
enough parts for another one."

**************************************************
**************************************************


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short -tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and British Airways 747, call sign
Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: â?oFrankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):






"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark-- and I didn't
land."

**************************************************
***********************************************

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming---


"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: â?oGod Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want
you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every
cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown
pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:


"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[frankeaton]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes



After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'



The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'



The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.
My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV remote and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner? :food-smiley-004:

[frankeaton]

One of my favorites


A female officer arrests a man for drunk driving. She tells him: "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Tits."
:action-smiley-033:

[frankeaton]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.


Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.


Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them...

[Poke John I]

First-year students at Texas A & M University 's Veterinary
School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a
white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Vet Medicine it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that
you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in
the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students
freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns
sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger which none of you noticed, now
learn to pay attention."

[frankeaton]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on cup size. This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them

[Poke John I]

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 13 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" John asked.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project" said Tommy.

The Robot immediately walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The Robot again went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The Robot immediately knocked Marsha out of her chair.

[Poke John I]

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS...

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A "fine "is a tax for doing wrong. A "tax" is a fine for doing well.

3 . He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
john

[Poke John I]

Judge Judy to prostitute, 'So when did you realize you were raped?'

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced.'

[Poke John I]

China will no longer publish a phone directory due to chaos. There were so many Wings and Wong's in THE DIRECTORY, people were always winging wong numbers.

[frankeaton]

"15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty"

I have found a sure fire way of getting out of jury duty, when they asked if you know anybody in the court house and or do you know any police officers, I said yes, I know 3 judges and play golf with 2 police officers

[Poke John I]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?... .What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and th e preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered.... is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.


And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?


What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?


































































Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time be cause he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now ...what is the moral to this story?





Scroll down






















































The moral is.....


If you don't let a woman have her own way....


Things are going to get ugly

[Poke John I]

The first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas.

Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.

His wife walked in, looked at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, and said, "What in the world are you doing?"

He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."

[frankeaton]

A husband and
wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage.
When asked what the
problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing
every problem they had ever had in the 20
years they had been
married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy,
emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry
list of
unmet needs she had endured over the course of their
marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient
length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after
asking the
wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her
husband
watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat

down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and
said, 'This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you
do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can
drop her
off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I
fish.:party-smiley-018:

[frankeaton]

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she
opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."

"What do you mean?" said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."

Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."

The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why yes," she said. "I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger."


A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go head, ask me, I know all of them." A friend
says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: it's W."

[RedDirtCowboy]

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror
complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.

'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'

[MemphisPoke]

Lady went into a bar in Norman and saw a gooner with
his feet propped up on a table.

He had the biggest shoes she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the gooner if it's true what they
say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The redneck grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.
Why don't you come on out to my trailer house and
let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she
spent the night with him. The next morning she
handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm
real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah
services before."

"Don't be flattered... take the money and buy
yourself some shoes that fit.

[frankeaton]

This is how the fight started...

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Shit! That must be my husband!'

So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, then started to run as fast as he could to his car. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman 'I AM your husband, you slut!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah??? Then why were you running....you Son of a Bitch!!!'

And that folks............is how the fight started

[MemphisPoke]

In the Oklahoma hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried
faces.

'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a brain from a OU graduate, and $200 for a brain from an OSU graduate.'

The moment turned awkward because there were sooners and cowboys within the family group. And some of the sooners had to hide their faces as they smirked and laughed to themselves.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask,

'Why is the OU graduates brain so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the OSU graduates brains, because they've actually been used.'

[Poke John I]

After nearly 45 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed
one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways
he hadn't done in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started
at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down
over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach..
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past
the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over
her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her
inner thigh, stopping just at the upper most portion of her leg. He continued
in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over
and became silent..

As she had become somewhat aroused by this caressing, she asked
in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful.
"Why did you stop?"..........

I found the remote," he mumbled.

[Poke John I]

A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing (ready ) to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children." He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''

She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb Yankee."

[Poke John I]

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or take it across the street to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

[Poke John I]

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck,
hillbilly, and Midwesterner jokes, you know you're
from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are
visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a
house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people
carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a
nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers
and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your
coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the
difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you
to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere
else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at
Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who
looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house
payment.
13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report
on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the
children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you
leave for work an hour early to avoid all the
weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's
license. If you're here illegally, they want to give
you one.

[frankeaton]

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck,
hillbilly, and Midwesterner jokes, you know you're
from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are
visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a
house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people
carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a
nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers
and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your
coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the
difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you
to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere
else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at
Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who
looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house
payment.
13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report
on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the
children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you
leave for work an hour early to avoid all the
weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's
license. If you're here illegally, they want to give
you one.

it is now JUNE

[Poke John I]

opps!