Jokes for April.

[Poke John I]

Gennaro's new shoes.

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months.
He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather
shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases
them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church
basement.

Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for
the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance andas they dance he asks her,

"Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Startled, Sophia replies,
"Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight,
but how do you know?"

Gennaro answers,
"I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes.

How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance,and after a few minutes he asks,
" Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers,
"Yes, Gennaro, I do,but how do you know that?"

He replies,"I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes.

How do you like them?"

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,
Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red.
He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart,please, please tell me you wear no
panties tonight,please, please, tella me this true!"

Carmela smiles coyly and answers,
"Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight."

Gennaro gasps,

"Thanka God ....

I thought I had a CRACK in my
$300 Boccelli leather shoes!"

[Poke John I]

A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu “I’d like one under cooked egg so that it’s running, and one over cooked egg that it’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.” that’s a complicated order sir, said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.” The guest replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”

[OrangePhish]

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??''
The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!''
''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''
The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.
''What was that for?'' asked the passenger.
''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a b!*@h would have tried that crap with me!'''

[Poke John I]

Question: What do you call an investment banker who specializes in

subprime mortgages, derivatives, auction-rate securities, and credit default swaps?








Answer: “Waiter.”

[Poke John I]

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.
He said, “You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on
your oatmeal, see. If you do, you’ll live to a nice
ripe old age.”

So the youngster did this religiously every day, and
sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren,
15 great-grandchildren …and a 16-foot hole in the wall
of the crematorium.

[Poke John I]

A man picks up his pretty blonde girlfriend in his new Mercedes on the way back from his golf outing.
She slides in the front seat, looks down, and notices a box of tees.
“What are these for?” she asked
“That’s where we put our balls on before we drive,” he answers.
“Wow,” she says, “the Germans really think of everything.”

[Poke John I]

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to continue watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.

If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

It's not a gimme if you're still away.

[Poke John I]

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven.
Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased.
We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms.
Running, running, running; we're tired of running.
Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
Week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here.
Better than I could have ever expected. "I remember this being available for humans back on Earth but those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been supplying are great!"

[Poke John I]

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when there had been
an accident at a Sooner football game and forty Sooner
Bandwagon Fans showed up.

Never having seen a group quite like this before at heaven's
door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the
ten most virtuous people from the group.

A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless
And said, "They're gone!"

"What? All of the Bandwagon Fans are gone?" asked God.

"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"

[Poke John I]

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

A: Everyone's happy when the case is closed.

[Poke John I]

Q: What is the difference between in-laws and out-laws?


A: Out-laws are wanted.

[FloridaPoke]

One day, a long, long time ago, there was a woman who didn't bitch one bit.

But it was a long, long time ago....and it was just that one day. :)

[MemphisPoke]

One day, a long, long time ago, there was a woman who didn't bitch one bit.

But it was a long, long time ago....and it was just that one day. :)


Flordia:

This is a thread which is reserved for jokes. When you have true statements such as this one you should really start a new thread. Maybe under the Thread Headline of "Y'all Are Not Going To Believe This!!!!!"








:D

[osuno1]

Flordia:

This is a thread which is reserved for jokes. When you have true statements such as this one you should really start a new thread. Maybe under the Thread Headline of "Y'all Are Not Going To Believe This!!!!!"








:D

You guys are sooooo funny.:p

[frankeaton]

One day, a long, long time ago, there was a woman who didn't bitch one bit.

But it was a long, long time ago....and it was just that one day. :)

Women do not fart, snoor, or belch, so if they did not bitch they would blow up!:cool-smiley-027:

[frankeaton]

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving m e that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?

[MemphisPoke]

Touching story!

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf and do lots of things that of course needed two arms. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?' He said, 'I'm NOT happy ... My balls itch!

[Poke John I]

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, and learns that she's pregnant.

She is furious... Here she's in the middle of her first run for president, and this has happened to her!

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming;

"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am six weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

She screams again, "Did you hear me?"

Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

[Poke John I]

A naval command instructor was indoctrinating his new naval command recruits.

He said, "You are all in the Navy now and in the US Navy we have our own language. For instance, in the Navy we don't call it a bathroom; we don't call it a toilet; we don't call it a latrine."

A young Naval Command recruit raised his hand and asked, "What do you call it?"

"Son, we call it a 'head'. Now tell me son, what is the difference between a 'head' and a 'hole in the ground'?"

The naval recruit said, "Well, I don't know."

The naval command Instructor said, "Son, how do you expect to command a US Naval ship if you don't know your head from a hole in the ground?"

[Poke John I]

Men Are Like A Deck Of Cards
You Need A Heart To Love Him
A Diamond To Marry Him
A Club To Beat Him And A
Spade To Bury Him