FloridaPoke
04-26-2010, 12:00 PM
NORFOLK, VIRGINIA (The Borowitz Report
<http://tinyurl.com/yzn3g4g> ) - Eleven indicted Somali
pirates dropped a bombshell in a U.S. court today, revealing
that their entire piracy operation is a subsidiary of
banking giant Goldman Sachs.
There was an audible gasp in the courtroom when the leader
of the pirates announced, "We are doing God's work. We work
for Lloyd Blankfein."
The pirate, who said he earned a bonus of $48 million in
dubloons last year, elaborated on the nature of the Somalis'
work for Goldman, explaining that the pirates forcibly
attacked ships that Goldman had already shorted.
"We were functioning as investment bankers, only every day
was casual Friday," the pirate said.
The pirate acknowledged that they merged their operations
with Goldman in late 2008 to take advantage of the more
relaxed regulations governing bankers as opposed to pirates,
"plus to get our share of the bailout money."
In the aftermath of the shocking revelations, government
prosecutors were scrambling to see if they still had a case
against the Somali pirates, who would now be treated as
bankers in the eyes of the law.
"There are lots of laws that could bring these guys down if
they were, in fact, pirates," one government source said.
"But if they're bankers, our hands are tied."
<http://tinyurl.com/yzn3g4g> ) - Eleven indicted Somali
pirates dropped a bombshell in a U.S. court today, revealing
that their entire piracy operation is a subsidiary of
banking giant Goldman Sachs.
There was an audible gasp in the courtroom when the leader
of the pirates announced, "We are doing God's work. We work
for Lloyd Blankfein."
The pirate, who said he earned a bonus of $48 million in
dubloons last year, elaborated on the nature of the Somalis'
work for Goldman, explaining that the pirates forcibly
attacked ships that Goldman had already shorted.
"We were functioning as investment bankers, only every day
was casual Friday," the pirate said.
The pirate acknowledged that they merged their operations
with Goldman in late 2008 to take advantage of the more
relaxed regulations governing bankers as opposed to pirates,
"plus to get our share of the bailout money."
In the aftermath of the shocking revelations, government
prosecutors were scrambling to see if they still had a case
against the Somali pirates, who would now be treated as
bankers in the eyes of the law.
"There are lots of laws that could bring these guys down if
they were, in fact, pirates," one government source said.
"But if they're bankers, our hands are tied."