April Jokes of the Month.

[Poke John I]

We all know someone that this applies too{


Q: Why won't cannibal's eat divorcees?








schroll down








A: Because they are too bitter.

[Poke John I]

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to four letter words. You've heard some of these but probably not all of them.



The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial" - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

[Poke John I]

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse started with certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.

It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 4," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2"

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I
was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.

What a bitch

[MajorMike]

What a bitch

Bwaha!

[Poke John I]

Jesse,
You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in
the world; she has a body to die for, and her current wealth and predicted wealth is shadowed
only by Oprah, who even Steadman will tell you, isn't attractive.

But your wife, who recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now the named " America 's
Sweetheart"; you also remember she just won an Oscar (which translates to more money per
picture she makes in the future)...while you were shacking with that tattooed freak, who just
happens to be a former stripper and is someone's mommy.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet! And
while the State of California is a no-fault state whereby you may be able to take half of your
wife's wealth, in doing so you would only be hated even more...especially after Sandra speech
during the Oscars in which she did nothing but praise you. How can you live with yourself
after she even cared for your children?

I only have one thing to say to a dispicable, miserable, cheating piece of crap that you are:

Thank You!! You really helped to take the heat off of of me. Lets do lunch sometime and
compare notes.

Tiger Woods

[Poke John I]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades
up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your
hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your
grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,
but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and
I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John
the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

---- his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

[Poke John I]

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed
at night.

So I went to a shrink and told him . . . 'I've got problems. Every time
I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm
going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those
fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the Doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever
come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'


SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!


Life is too short.....drink more beer today

[Poke John I]

Three mischievous old Grandmas were
Sitting on a bench outside a nursing
home when an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out
saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how
old you are.'

The old man said, 'There is no way you
can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure
we can! Just drop your pants and
undershorts and we can tell your
exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious
to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped
his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn
around a couple of times and to jump
up and down several times. Then they
all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years
old!'
Standing with his pants down around
his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in
the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees and grinning from
ear to ear, the three old ladies happily
yelled in unison - - -


'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

[Poke John I]

"Late again!!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Johnny.

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some- odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Johnny what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Johnny and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox back again, I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop."
"As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack! Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!'

[Poke John I]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and
told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the
playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say,
"It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small,
was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

[Poke John I]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old
baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what
cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded
in the affirmative.

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose
together as a team?' The little boy nodded
'yes'.

'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called,
you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a
pecker-head Do you understand all that?' The little boy nodded 'yes again.

He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy
gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your
coach 'a dumb ass' is it?' The little boy shook his head 'NO'.

'GOOD', said the coach.

'Now go over there and explain all that to your
grandmother.'

[Poke John I]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Florida , doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'

The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'

The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'

The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'

************************************************** ********

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece..

The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.

************************************************** ********

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'

'So, where were you all these years?'

'In prison,' he says.

'Why did they put you in prison?'

He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'

'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'

************************************************** ********

Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers , he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'

He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her..

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?'

He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

[Poke John I]

An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the
penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, His wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black."