March Jokes of the Month

[frankeaton]

I ain't going mention global warming ever again:rolleyes:

WILL I LIVE TO BE 80?
Some times you just have to ask yourself 'Will I live to be 80?'

I recently chose a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly
well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do
you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?'
'No,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating,
fishing or relaxing on the beach?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things.'
Then he looked at me and asked, 'Then why do you give a sh*t?'

[MemphisPoke]

Two women were playing golf. One tee'd off and watched in horror as
her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next
hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around
in agony.

The woman rushed over to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist, and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes", the man
replied, although he was clearly still in obvious agony, lying in the
fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments and asked, "How does that feel?".

He replied "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."

[Poke John I]

A few years ago, I was handing out headsets on a flight from New York to London, U.K. Two lovely older ladies asked me what movie we would be showing. "Grumpy Old Men," I replied, "Have you seen it?"

Without hesitating, one of the women said, "We've lived it!"

- - -

The difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers is that mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

- - -

So, these vultures decided to fly to Florida on an airline. They got on board carrying six dead raccoons, and the flight attendant said, "I'm sorry, but there's a limit of two carrion per passenger."

[Poke John I]

"What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic violation.

“Keep it,” the clerk advises. “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”

[Poke John I]

At a political fundraiser, President Bush noticed a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that
you look like Moses?"

The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.

The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the
robed man, said, "Go talk to that man and see if he is Moses."


The Secret Service agent went up to the man and whispered, "Are you Moses?"


The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. The last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil."

[frankeaton]

A dog is truly a person’s best friend.



If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.



Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.



When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

[Boss 24]

A man is walking down the street and sees a little boy riding a toy fire engine that’s being pulled by a Dalmatian. Unfortunately, the rope is tied around the dog’s balls, and as a consequence, the toy truck is going very slowly. The man says to the boy, "You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog’s neck." "I guess so," says the kid, "but then I wouldn’t have a siren

[Poke John I]

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!" Continuing
her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.

Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Poke John I]

Here's the deal about the trips down there to Washington,
D.C.: $5,000 and a hotel room. Sen. Larry Craig said,
"Well, that's crazy! For two quarters I can have a pay
toilet all night."

- David Letterman

[frankeaton]

Janet & Hillary

Senator Hillary Clinton and former Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men seeking sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he's been last.'

Janet responded, 'Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's politically correct' for ugly as a mud fence) does not mean I don't have to fight off occasional unwelcome advances.'

Hillary asks, 'Well, how do you deal with the problem?'

Janet: 'Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might, tense, and squeeze to break wind as loud and hard as I can.'

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would want some action. She had been saving gas all day long and was ready for him. She tenses up and forces out the most disgusting sound you could imagine.

Bill rolled over and said, 'Janet, is that you?

[snuffy]

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
talking........and one blonde says to the other:
"Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
"The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????"

[Poke John I]

If you ever lived in an apartment you can really appreciate this. It also helps if you drink a lot.
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong? It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock?? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,

"You a$$hole...it's three-fifteen in the morning!"

[Poke John I]

A blonde walks into a shoe store and finds a pair of shoes she likes, she then asks the sales man what they are made of and the sales man says "they are made out of alligator", then proceeds to tell her that they cost $300.00. The blonde then says no way am I paying that much for these shoes, I’ll go and get my own. She then goes home, grabs a gun, and heads out to the swamp; she sees an alligator stick his head up out of the water and she shoots it. She then wrestles the alligator onto shore and drags him up next to five others, flips him over and says God damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either.

[panhandler62]

What Gets to Heaven First?
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to heaven... which part your body goes first?"

Susy raised her hand and said. "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Susy?"

Susy replied "because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister. I think it's your feet."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, little Johnny why do you think it would be your feet?"

Little Johnny said, "The other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying 'OH! GOD, I'M COMING!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The nun fainted........

[frankeaton]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The sr. citizen Wal-Mart greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't.! The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Old man, are you blind or just plain stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter.

'I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

[Poke John I]

A blonde went to a dude ranch and signed up to go horseback riding. The cowboy who was assisting guests asked her what kind of saddle she used? She asked what kind do you have? They told her English and Western. She asked the difference, they told her one had a horn and the other didn't. She said give me the one without a horn, "I don't expect to find much traffic!"

[frankeaton]

Women do not snore,belch or fart

so if they don't bitch, they will explode:)

[frankeaton]

Business propositions.
Herc wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.

One day Herc got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...

The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"

Herc said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...So she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What happened...?" Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,

"The bastard had all dimes!"

[frankeaton]

A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are
spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of
golf. You really know your way around the course.
What's your secret?"
Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered"

-----------------------------

A young man and a priest are playing together.
At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going
to use on this hole my son? "

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray. "

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the
green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the
ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father,
but in my church when we pray, we keep our head
down."

----------- ------- ------------

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman
holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?" Yes, yes, I did."

The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just
put me down for a five."

------------------------------

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took
a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between two
trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing;
the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in
the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw
him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer", to
which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

------------------------------

The bride came down the aisle and when she
reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his
golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"?

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This
isn't going to take all day, is it

[Poke John I]

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the front page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?"

"I ride a Harley Davidson and I am a Republican. "

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:

"BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH"