Dec. Jokes of the Month.

[Poke John I]

Subject: The Philosophy Of Ambiguity

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila . . . ? Floor?

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

5. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

6. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

7. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

8. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

14. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

15. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

16. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

17. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

18. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

19. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

20. How is it possible to have a "civil war"?

21. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

22. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

23. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "s" in it?

24. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

25. Can an atheist get insurance that covers "Acts of God"?

[Poke John I]

An elderly woman went to see her doctor about a small problem. She let farts in church let farts at work-let farts at home, but they didn’t smell and you couldn’t hear them. So the doctor told her to take this bottle of pills and come back and see him in a week. She came back a week later mad as hell. Dock those pills you gave me made my farts smell terrible. Doctor told her now that I have your sinus cleared up we well work on your hearing next.

[barryrules]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office ... But she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.'

The girl looked at him and then said, 'NO.'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend,

She called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He wont even be able to get his pants down.'

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!!!!

[bremmel]

Thats funny right there I don't care who you are.

[OSUFan]

Thats funny right there I don't care who you are.

Well, I don't care who you are either! ;)

[PokeNBeans]

A new priest, born and raised in Texas , is nervous about hearing confessions,

so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.


The new priest hears a couple of confessions,

and then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.


The old priest suggests,

"Cross your arms over your chest,

and rub your chin with one hand

and try saying things like 'yes, I see,'

and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'


The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested

remarks to the old priest.


The old priest says,


"Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying,

"No s#$t... what happened next?"

[Poke John I]

A visitor to a college campus paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall. "It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway."

"Actually," said the guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."

"Oh? Was Joshua Hemingway a writer also?"

"Yes, indeed. He wrote a check."

[Poke John I]

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose
given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and
said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
"Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest
where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to
her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he
would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she
saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, One stone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he
made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love
to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night,
but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????...........................

And the moral is...

You can't kill two birds with one stone!

[Poke John I]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered
two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson
Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how
much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll
stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your
knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw
them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think
I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub.

[bremmel]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered
two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson
Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how
much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll
stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your
knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw
them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think
I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub.

Thats an old Gene Tracy joke. He was a funny man probable a little to dirt for some though.

[Poke John I]

1. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
2. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up woman? Because a woman
who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
3. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
4. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."
5. How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
6. Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
8. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.
9. I married Miss Right.I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
10. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
11. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
12. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.It is called Wedding Cake.
13. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.
14. Our last fight was my fault; my wife asked me. "What's on the TV?"I said, "Dust!"
15. Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
16. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
17. A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: Wife Wanted. “The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine."
18. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
19. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a baldhead and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
20. Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, and then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, and then go the refrigerator.

[1SassyPoke]

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,
"I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

. . . and that's when the fight started .

[Poke John I]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
light completely.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband had a large strapped-on dildo which vibrated slightly.

Hard but not too hard, wonderful, and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to
me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll can easily explain the dildo . . . but you have to explain the kids."

[panhandler62]

Charlie was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. While at Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for John, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When John was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot? John replied, "That's silver and it costs $300. "My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and John went to the back room to find it. From the back room John yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

[Roman Craig]

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she
spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you'll shit when you hear the price.

[jakeman]

98% of Americans say "OH SH&T" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.

The other 2% are uo fans, and they say, "HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS".



Just in case you start to slide off the road this weekend, and are speechless! :D

[MemphisPoke]

WITH A FIVE YEAR OLD, WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET, READ ON.

Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and
says,
"Look Mama! It's A frickin' Elephant!"

Deep breath . "What did you call it?"

"It's A frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does .

" A f r i c a n Elephant "

Hooked on phonics!!! Ain't it wonderful?

[MemphisPoke]

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.' Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.



Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.



LETTER 1:

Dear God:

I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Carol



Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.



LETTER 2:

Dear God:

This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Carol



Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.



LETTER 3:

Dear God:



I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Carol



Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad. 'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said. Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin
Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.



LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,

YOU KNOW WHO

[Poke John I]

The two inventors of the bungee rope decided to test their invention in a way that would garner some publicity. Their invention had not started to bring in revenue yet and they decided to test it in Mexico to save money. They found a suitable building in Mexico City with an extended balcony about 50 foot high. One of the inventors stood on the edge of the balcony and dove into the air with the rope tied to his feet. The other guy, standing up on the balcony, waited until his friend returned up so that he could grab him. The first time his friend sprung up, he tried to grab him but missed and noticed that his head was swollen. The next time, he missed again and again there were bruises on his head, face, and arms. The third time up, with much concern, he leaned far forward to get his partner, pulled him in and asked, "What happened? Is the rope too long?" His partner replied with his upper body all bruised and bloody, "No, the rope is fine but what is piñata?"

[Poke John I]

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actua lly fi n d them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to sta nd on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS P LACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL!!

I'm sorry. What was the question?...

[1SassyPoke]

Those who grew up in small towns will laugh when they read this.

Those who didn't will be in disbelief and won't understand how true it is.

1) You can name everyone you graduated with

2) You know what 4-H means

3) You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, river, or in the middle of a dirt road. On Monday you could always tell who was at the party because of the scratches on their legs from running through the woods when the party was busted. (See #6.)

4) You used to'drag'Main .

5) You whispered the 'F' word and your parents knew within the hour.

6) You scheduled parties around the schedules of different police officers, because you knew which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.

7) You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents anyhow.) Besides, where would you get the money?

8) When you did find somebody old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out into the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.

9) You knew which section of the ditch you would fin d the beer your buyer dropped off.

10) It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.

11) The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

12) You didn't give directions by street names but rather by references. Turn by Nelson's house, go 2 blocks to Anderson 's, and it's four houses left of the track field.

13) The golf course had only 9 holes.

14) You couldn't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.

15) Your car stayed filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.

16) The town next to you was considered 'trashy' or 'snooty,' but was actually just like your town.

17) You referred to anyone with a house newer then 1955 as the 'rich' people.

18) The people in the 'big city' dressed funny, and then you picked up the trend 2 years later.

19) Anyone you wanted could be found at the local gas station or the peppermint pad.

20) You saw at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town or one of your friends driving a grain truck to school occasionally.

21) The gym teacher suggested you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.

22) Directions were given using THE stop light as a reference.

23) When you decided to walk somewhere for exercise, 5 people would pull over and ask if you wanted a ride.

24) Your teachers called you by your older siblings' names.

25) Your teachers remembered when they taught your parents.

26) You could charge at any local store or write checks without any ID.

27) There was no McDonalds.

28) The closest mall was over an hour away. (actually only 45 minutes)

29) It was normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.

30) You've pee'd in a wheatfield.

31) Most people went by a nickname.

32) You laughed your butt off reading this because you know it is true, and you forward it to everyone who may have lived in a small town.

I would not have wanted to have been raised any other way!!!!

Tough times don't last... Tough people do...

[Poke John I]

A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"
The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."
The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again.
"Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"

[BigBadBen]

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool, he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment, then replied, "A martini, please".

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.

The man was most impressed. He left the bar, but thought he would try different tactic. He returned and took a seat.


Again, the robot clicked and asked what he would have.

“A martini, please."

Again it was superb.

The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100". So the robot started discussing Music, Pop Culture and Reality Television.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool . . . Again a martini, and the question "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out "Uh . . . 'bout 50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,

“How ‘bout them Sooners?”

[bremmel]

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

[bremmel]

You're trapped in a room with an angry grizzly bear, a hungry Lion, and a fan of the sooners. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the sooner fan… twice.


What do you call a sooner fan with half a brain?

Gifted!


What do you get if you see a sooner fan buried up to his neck in sand?

More sand!


What did the average sooner player get on his Wonderlic test?
Drool!

[Poke John I]

An Arab sheik says to an American tourist. “Mr. Smith, your wife, she is beautiful. I have to have her. I will trade you her weight in gold.”
Mr. Smith says, “Give us a few days.”
The sheik asks, “To think it over?”
Mr. Smith says, “Hell, no. To fatten her up.”

[frankeaton]

Subject: bear alert



> The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising
> golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears
> while playing on Gallatin , Helena , and Lewis and Clark National
> Forests Golf Courses.
>
> They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little
> bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears
> unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in the
> case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch
> for signs of bear activity.
>
> Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black
> bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.
>
> Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly
> squirrel fur.
>
> Grizzly bear droppings have bells, golf-gloves and sunglasses in
> them and smell like pepper spray.

[Poke John I]

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting on the beach by the side of the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu.

I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.


"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang....."
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

[Poke John I]

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road in Iowa one evening when an old dairy cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the cattleman's ranch house and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with
lipstick.

'What happened to you,' asked Hillary?

'Well,' the driver replied, 'the owner of the ranch gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me.'

'My God, what did you tell them?' asked Hillary.

The driver replied, 'I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it.'

[OrangePhish]

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent:

(Frank Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 --! A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!


Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne ! peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, a! nd garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced ! chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"

Judge # 3 -- Oh God.........

:eek:

[OrangePhish]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works...:D

[MemphisPoke]

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that

they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through

the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich

wasn't a chicken sandwich.



He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it

anymore?'

She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'


'Why?' he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers

down there!'

'Let me see' he said.

'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more

chicken.


He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut

butter.

He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm

starting to get feathers down there too!'

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants

for her!


She said 'Oh, my Gosh, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK

and GIZZARDS!!!

[frankeaton]

Fw: Southern Piece







After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

[Poke John I]

A businessman, Dave Froberg, was attending a conference
in Africa . He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf. He
was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short
journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.

"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your handicap?"

Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he
decided to cut it a bit.

"Well, its 16," Dave said, "But what's the relevance
since I'll be playing alone?"

"It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who
then called a caddy.

"Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his
handicap is 16."

Dave was very surprised at this constant reference to
his handicap.

The caddy picked up Dave's bag and a large rifle; again
the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.

They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid
those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, Dave
duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about
to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large
snake fell dead from a tree above his head.

The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand.

"That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all
Africa . You're lucky I was here with you."
After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par
5.

"Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of
course, Dave's ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to
pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and
a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said
the caddy.

The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the
green. Dave's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back
to the edge of the water.

To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the
lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the
water and bit off much of his right leg.

As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he
saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on
unconcernedly. "Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man
incredulously.

"I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17th
handicap hole, you don't get a shot here."







That's why you never lie about your handicap.

[Poke John I]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim
librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"

[Poke John I]

A ghost walks into a bar at midnight, and asks the bartender for a Whisky.
The bartender says " Sorry we don't serve spirits after 11"

[Poke John I]

A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator, along comes this really hot guy. The girls noticed he has a really bad dandruff problem. The brunet whispers to the blonde, "Someone should give him head and shoulders", and the blonde says, "How do you give shoulders.

[Poke John I]

Q: What is 6 inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?????

*



*



*



*



*



*



*



*



A: An Almond Joy.

[Poke John I]

Did you ever notice?
When you put the two words
"The" and "IRS" together
it spells "THEIRS"?

[Poke John I]

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Texas Aggie were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The Texas Aggie opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The Texas Aggie opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."


(Oh this is GOOD!!)?


Everyone turned and stared at the Aggie's wife The Aggie's wife said,


"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch ."

[Poke John I]

1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.

2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.

3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party; A bitch sleeps with
everybody at the party except you.

4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during an orgasm.

8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A mechanic.

9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
The one who can eat the last donut.

11) Jewish dilemma:
Free Pork.

12) The three words women hate to hear most during sex:
"Honey, I'm home!"

[frankeaton]

"5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry."

this reminds of what my male jewish friends use to say, do you know when you can tell a jewish woman has an orgasms? when she drops her emory board:D:D