December Jokes of the Month.

[Poke John I]

These are the Cowboy Rules in effect for: Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Idaho and the rest of the Wild West.

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 go north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have an $80,000 car. We're impressed. We have $350,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applies to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no '"vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in the North East call that stuff you eat ... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring "Coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

[Poke John I]

Two saintly men arrive in heaven. A mix-up has resulted in their paperwork not being ready, so Saint Peter says, "You can go back to Earth for a while. To make up for the inconvenience, you can go back as anything you want to be. One man says, "I'd like to be a giant condor floating over the Rocky Mountains." The other says, "If you'll indulge me, I'd like to be a stud." "Both wishes granted," says Saint Peter.

The next morning, because the new computer has speeded up processing, the paperwork arrives. Saint Peter tells an angel to go to Earth and fetch the two men. The angel asks, "How will I find them?"

Saint Peter says, "One will be easy. He's in Colorado flying over the Rockies. You'll have to go to Montana for the other. He's somewhere in a snow tire!"

[Poke John I]

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.

The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."

"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.

"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

[Poke John I]

Beth Vorhees of public TV fame said her daughter, Diana, a third- grader, was to give a demonstration speech at school. She planned to demonstrate how to make "Flies on a Log," which consists of peanut butter spread on a stalk of celery with raisins on it.

The morning of her speech, Diana took out everything she needed and put it on the kitchen counter, ready to take it to school. Unfortunately, when the girl and her mother left for school, they forgot to take the items.

Diana's mother dropped her off and went home to get the stuff.

The celery was gone. The raisins were gone. The peanut butter had been put away.

"Oh," said Diana's father. "I had that stuff for breakfast."

Beth rushed to gather up more ingredients and hurry them to school, with an apology to the teacher and an explanation of what happened.

"Gee," said Diana's teacher, "that's a first -- 'My dad ate my homework.'"

[Poke John I]

Three Oklahoma State Students died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The G.D.I. fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The athletic dorm jock reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Fraternity boy started searching desperately through his pockets and all he could find to pull out were a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Frat Rat replied, 'These are Carols.'


And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

[Poke John I]

An old gentleman was driving on the motorway at his usual speed, which was far too slow. A police officer pulled him over and said, "I guess you know why I stopped you sir?"

"Sure I do," the old gentleman replied, "I was the only one you could catch!"

[Poke John I]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"O...K." said the old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back almost dead and said, "Your fu<king brother won't let me in without a tie!"

[Poke John I]

Two ducks were out on a lake, one was feeling happy and the other one was feeling upset. When the one duck asked the other duck: "How was your anger therapy session?" the other duck replied: "The therapist said I was in need of another session." The duck asked "Did you say anything to him to make him think that?" The other one said "All I did was call him a Quack".

[Poke John I]

1) He shows up late.

2) He eats your cookie and leaves crumbs.

3) He empties his sack.

4) He only comes once.

5) He leaves while you are asleep.

and

6) He calls you a Ho.

[Poke John I]

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

[Poke John I]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope... Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.


The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

[Poke John I]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large
sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

Also if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide
child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,
and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce

[SOS]

:D Where do you find all these?

[Poke John I]

I've got a group of about 30 old friends, buddies, and relatives that exchange jokes, cartoons, interesting videos, etc. Unfortunately, too much of it is political and much of that turns out to be false. Many of the jokes turn out to be old ones that are coming around again.

[MemphisPoke]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All
the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of
the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[Poke John I]

Q: What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?
A: Santa can stop after three Ho, Ho, Ho's.

[Poke John I]

In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs
are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost
any time or place.

For example: On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in
Northern British Columbia,an RCMP constable on patrol came across a
motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled
by the roadside. "What's the matter?" asked the Policeman.

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"Can't."

"OK, Watch me and I will show you."

The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised.

The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from
the father of the motorbike rider. It began: "On behalf of my daughter,
who recently was stranded ...."

[Poke John I]

The enlisted men were having a beer at a café off post. When the topic got off girls, they started to talk about soldiering. Most of them were bitter about being drafted. One said, "Sure, you know who didn't have to get into uniform, the sons of the big shots! They used pull!"

From the next table, a voice said, "Men, you have it all wrong, I've been in two months and I can tell you that men from all levels of society get drafted into the army. My dad's a U.S. senator and I'm here!" The other soldiers nodded and said, "Well, maybe you're right, Major!"

[OSUFan]

Billy Watson was sitting in history class ready for the class to be over and Christmas break to begin. The clock was moving way too slow!

Mrs. Miller spoke up to the antsy kids in her classroom.

"Kids, since we are all ready for the break to begin, I will let some of you go early if you can tell me what famous person said these quotes.

"Class, who said 'Give me liberty or give me death'?"

There was a moment of silence and finally Cindy spoke up "Patrick Henry?"

"Very good Cindy! You may leave."

This just furiated Billy. He didn't know the answer but he was so ready to go home.

"Class, who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country'?"

Mary raised her hand and said "John F Kennedy."

That is correct Mary! You may go home.

Billy was fuming now. He knew that answer but wasn't for sure.

"Class, whose speech started with "Four score and seven years ago?"

Jenny raised her hand before Billy raised his and said "Eww! That's Abraham Lincoln!"

Mrs. Miller said, "That is correct! You may leave with the other two girls."

Billy was so mad he just couldn't keep it in anymore. He blared out, "I wish those damn &^%$#! bitches would shut their mouths!!!"

Mrs. Miller stood up and asked "WHO SAID THAT?!!!"

Billy responded "Tiger Woods. I guess I can go too."

[FloridaPoke]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way,
cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror --
make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut
and jaffa cake body wash..

Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs.

Rinse off. Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex..

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small
country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her
making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse
them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck
on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
and light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her
and make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

[Poke John I]

The substitute teacher was some months pregnant and as she stood in front of her 5th grade class Betty asks "why is your stomach swelled up?"

The teacher thought that this would be a good educational opportunity. So she said can anybody tell me why my stomach is swelled up?

Jane said you were bit by a snake.

Billy said you were bit by a spider.

No, neither one of those is correct she said.

So Little Johnny said I know why teacher.

Okay, why Little Johnny?

You were bit by a trouser worm.

[Poke John I]

A vicar, notorious for his lengthy sermons, watched as a man got up and left halfway through his message. The same man returned just before the finish. Afterwards the vicar asked him where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," said the man.

"Why didn't you do that before the service?" asked the vicar.

"I didn't need one then!"

[Poke John I]

"Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies..."

[Poke John I]

Q: Why are women's breasts like an electric train set a kid gets at Christmas time?












A: Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.