Feb. Jokes of the Month.

[Poke John I]

A guy from East Texas went to join a church.

The pastor said that first, he'd have to answer a
question: Where was Jesus born?

The guy said, "Tyler?"

The pastor said that wasn't the right answer, and
he couldn't join.

The guy went to another church, and had to answer
the same question. This time he said, "Longview?"

Again, the pastor said that wasn't the right answer,
and he couldn't join.

The guy went to a third church, and was accepted
as a member with no questions asked.

He asked the pastor, "Tell me, where was Jesus born?"

The pastor answered, "Palestine."

The guy said, "Damn, I knew it was somewhere in
East Texas."

[Poke John I]

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs
to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few
questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.
and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a hooker," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No. That won't
work. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite
chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a
prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

[Poke John I]

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, 'WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction.'

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, 'You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind.'

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other, “You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time. So ... do you think we should well ... you know . screw her?”

'Out of WHAT?' asked the other.

[Poke John I]

Old age and treachery trumps youth and enthusiasm!

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was
Marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom
assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new
Bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the
sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?", asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Good - She's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And
how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."


Don't ever underestimate old Geezers.

[Poke John I]

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
underwear. 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?', Ole demanded.
'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear.

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.'

[jakeman]

A man robs a bank and takes hostages.

He asks the first hostage, "did you see me rob the bank".

The hostage answers "yes".

The robber, promptly, shoots him in the head.

Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

The hostage answers, "no, but my wife did".

[Poke John I]

My son is a sports fanatic and he has well-worn T-shirts, caps, and sweatshirts from every local team. One night, we were getting ready for an annual fund-raiser for our local theater organization.

My wife called out to my son, "This is a pretty fancy dinner. You'll have to wear a sports jacket."

My son answered, "Which team?"

[Poke John I]

A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating."
The teacher says, "No that's fascinating, not fascinate."


Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated."
The teacher says, "No that's fascinated, not fascinate."


So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her tit's are so big she could only fasten eight!

[Poke John I]

On a joint military exercise an English soldier, an American solider,and a Russian soldier found them- selves sharing a tent while on a military exercise and the Russian started bragging about how good food was in the Russian army.

"In the Russian army we are well fed and get 2000 calories of food a day" said the Russian.

"Well," said the Englishman, "in the British army we are given 4000 calories of food a day."

"That's nothing," said the American, "in the US army we get 8000 calories of food a day."

At this the Russian got very annoyed. "Nonsense," he said, "how could one man eat so much cabbage"?

[Poke John I]

An older, white haired man walked into a jeweler store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. " I know you'll need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I just had?"

[Poke John I]

Exhausted from campaigning, Hillary went to the doctor for a complete check up. After a thorough examination and many tests, she was informed by the doctor: "You have Obamitis."

"I am not well acquainted with this condition," she informed the doctor, "and would like to research it further on line. Could you tell me the technical medical term for my condition?"

"Sure", the doctor replied, "the medical term for it is ELECTILE Disfunction."

[frankeaton]

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work,

But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy'
Then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,

So, that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy ' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,

'What in the name of good GOD are you doing? '

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,

'. ..And where do you think you're going?!'

(You're gonna love this....)


She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.

[Poke John I]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." "Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we
can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but a good idea!" she says.

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, is still watching and
thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,"Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[MemphisPoke]

Hymn #365



A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'


With even greater emphasis he said,

'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'


And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'


Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile,
'For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River. '

[panhandler62]

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman
found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by p!ssing and moaning.
Just thought you'd like to know.

[Poke John I]

duplicate - deleated

[Poke John I]

There is no arguing with cowboy logic. The Sierra Club and the US Forest
Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for
controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the
ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping
the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they
proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the male castrated
and let loose again and the population would be controlled.

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's
Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought
about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and
said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes
ain't f*ckin' our sheep, they're eatin' 'em.