August Jokes of the Month.

[Poke John I]

Q: Why did the Sooner fan's wife get upset on Halloween?




A: Because the Jack-o-lantern had more teeth than she did.

[Poke John I]

Q: Every man has one, some are longer and some are shorter, and he gives it to his wife when they are married. What is it?








Schroll down -








A: His last name.

[Verb]

Little Red Wagon --

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station,when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose
tightly coiled in the middle.. The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer
look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.' The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[Poke John I]

This is a British riddle -

Q: What is long and thin, covered with skin, red in parts, and put in tarts?









Schroll down -









A: Rhubarb.

[Poke John I]

An officer stopped a driver for running a red light. The guy was a real jerk and came running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

The officer calmly told him of the red light violation.

The “Motorist” instantly went on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade went on for several minutes without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finished writing the ticket he put an “AH” in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then handed it to the “Violator” for his signature.

The guy signed the ticket angrily and when presented with his copy pointed to the “AH” and demands to know what it stood for.

The officer said, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re an A**hole!”

Two months later they were in court. The “Violator” has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and had hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testified to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asked; “Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?”

The officer responded, “Yes sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine...same number at the top.

Lawyer: “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don’t normally make?”

Officer: “Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH,” underlined.”

Lawyer: “What does the “AH” stand for, officer?”

Officer: “Aggressive and Hostile Sir.”

Lawyer: “Aggressive and Hostile?”

Officer: “Yes Sir?

Lawyer: “Officer, Are you sure it doesn’t stand for A**hole?”

Officer: “Well Sir, you know your client better than I do.

[Poke John I]

I am actually for Obama's Health Plan as the status quo and it's current direction can not be sustained. However, I present this list to show that I can laugh at both sides. I feel it is important to resist a thin skin and be able to laugh at oneself.

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS
CHANGED TO OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you
enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a
day."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to
Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is
not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape

[Poke John I]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office..

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"



(folks, you're gonna luv this)



The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."






(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are.........)

[MemphisPoke]

A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken running down the road. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.

Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph!

The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!

Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard with dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"

The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."

"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"

"Don't rightly know, I ain't caught one yet!"

[Poke John I]

A guy walks into a bar in Texas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

[Poke John I]

A young guy walks into a post office and sees a middle–aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the best of him, the guy goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out a thousand Valentine cards signed, “Guess who?”

“But why?” Asked the young guy.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the bald man replied.

[Poke John I]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian'. The old cowboy wasn't sure what that was. 'I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about nakedwomen. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[Poke John I]

A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last
journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to
drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and
remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey received as a gift the
previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous
amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to
her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they
knew it, she drank the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some
wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't sell that cow!"

[Poke John I]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next."

[Poke John I]

Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board. “Does anyone know what this is?” She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sure, my Dad has two of them!” “Two of them?” the teacher asked. “Yeah, He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to bush mommy’s teeth!”





P.S: Any husband that reads this will assume that Little Johnny's parents are just living together and not really married.

[Poke John I]

Okay, everyone is always telling Boudreaux and
Thibodeaux jokes, implying that Cajuns aren't
smart.

But anybody, who would build a city 10 feet below sea
level, in a hurricane zone, and fill it with Democrats.....
is a genius!

[RedDirtCowboy]

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.

"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"

The Mormon said ''Well I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

[Poke John I]

The manager of a large corporation had a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean the sh*t of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty.

The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"

The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with sh*t, but now you ask me to make decisions. "

[Poke John I]

Q: If athletes get athletes’ foot, what to workers at McDonalds get?



A: Fallen Arches.













Q: What is brown and sits on a piano bench?



A: Beethoven’s First Movement.













Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair to become a brunette?



A: Artificial Intelligence.

[Poke John I]

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.


Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"

[Poke John I]

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."